Just Home…

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I was house-sitting near Windward Circle last week. One night I went out to get a bite to eat. Before picking up some organic pink lentil soup and vegan coconut mousse at Seed, I took a stroll along the beach to watch the sunset then came back via the Boardwalk. There was a rock band made up of very thin and hip young men – all in very tight jeans – who were playing at the end of Westminster. They had a horn player, in particular, that caught my ear. I liked the song that was finishing. The sun was gone, only crimson dusk and baby blue left in the waning day sky. A gathered crowd was in a good mood, grateful that warm had returned to Southern California.

The singer – shirtless, standing next to a blonde guitar player – announced they were going to play one more song. An old black guy in a wheel chair and heavy green coat, sitting near me, made a sarcastic aside, “Oh now it’s the last song. The last one was supposed to be the last one…and before that, that was the last one.” He didn’t seem as if he wanted them to stop. I think he was annoyed that they were indecisive about when they were through.

Before they launched their final number, the singer – his hair cut so that it kept falling in his eyes – told us, in a European accent that might’ve been German, to look to our left, then to our right. “These are your new neighbors,” he informed us with the deep sincerity that only young boys, sure of who they have decided they are, can have. Regardless, of whether or not that friendly neighbor talk was real or just part of the show, I smiled. They were so young. Giddiness is fleeting, but sneaks up on you from time to time.

The Pink Floyd cover that came out next was barely tolerable, unfortunately, unlike the previous two songs I had heard. I lasted a few more minutes then headed back to the apartment.

The next day, I was walking dogs in Venice, near San Juan and Westminster, when a woman, with whom I was familiar from the neighborhood, called to me. She was holding two boxers by the collars. One of those boxers was red, but old with a lot of fur that had gone gray. The other, a female – was even older, white with sores on her belly.

The woman, in her 40s, had a walking cast on her left leg. She was of the Old Venice sort, a plucky, aging Granola gal kind of like me, I suppose.  ”Do you know whose dogs these are?” She explained that the boxers were out wandering.

“No, I have never seen them.”

“Can you help me? I don’t want them to end up in a pound.” They did not have tags and she wanted to put them in her car, so she could drive around the neighborhood. Though I knew old dogs like those would be put down in about five hours at a pound, I was a little nervous to assist, because the old female lab I was walking, did not always take to other dogs. But, she was fine. So, I held the grandlady boxer by the collar, while the woman put the other one in her car.

“Well,” I said, “you know they haven’t come from very far. An old gal like this can’t move that fast.”

“Oh, I know. They belong to someone close.” She took the other boxer from me, balancing herself on her good foot.

“I will look for open gates while I am walking dogs. If I see anything, I will let you know.” Pointing to the red boxer who had on a navy blue doggie jacket, “That one has a coat, so they haven’t been out very long.”

A half hour later, I hadn’t seen any houses, that looked as if they might have been security breached by a couple of curious, ancient canines. I told the woman when she stopped and asked. The dogs were still in the back of her car. She hadn’t had any luck in locating the owner either. “I’m going to take them to the vet and see if they have microchips,” was her next plan.

I found out later from a third party, who lived on that same street, that the dogs had been implanted with chips and they were returned to a grateful owner. I thought that a stranger in a walking cast had certainly gone to some trouble for a couple of really old animals that didn’t belong to her. That’s Venice. That’s any place where there is love. That’s home.

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Gone House Building…

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Two days before Christmas, I took a stroll at sunset through a beautiful old cemetery, one of my favorite places. Built on the side of  hill on the very edge of Paris, Illinois, it is where I clear my head when I am home visiting. While I was walking, I came around the bend to see six white tail deer, as they were frightened by a car pulling through behind me. It is not uncommon to see deer in that graveyard this time of year. It is hunting season and they often seek sanctuary from rifle bullets and arrows where the town lays its dead to rest…

Looking through old photos while at my parents’, I remembered how we always had great Christmases, how much I missed my Grandpa Joe, how crazy and wonderful my Grandma Alice was.

During my visit, I became aware of more patterns that I had from my upbringing that were not necessarily good. My folks were a bit young and volatile when we started out. I remembered how my Grandma Toots could say any awful thing in the moment – true or not – to try and get what she wanted. Though I have never lived near her level of mean, I confronted my own cruelty with words when my anger runs too hot. I remind myself to be humble in my rage and not self-righteous, and to try to get a handle on my expectations.

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When I was in my mid 20s, I had these numbers in my mind as to how old my parents would live. So, I came up with, what were astronomical figures at the time – 84 for my father and 92 for my mom. I would be in my early 60s when my father died and in my mid 70s with mother. At the time, it was so far away…

In twenty years, my father will be 84. God help me, I hope he lives at least that long, but twenty years is nothing. It will be gone in a flash. It kills me to think, even for a second, of a planet without my dad on it. But, that day will come. And as far as my mother’s death – she has been a constant source of light in my life and I couldn’t imagine I’d even want to be here without her.

Unless we are touched by it prematurely, we think for so long, that death is something that happens to other people. Or, something so far away, it might as well be forever. Some day, I will be dead. It’s not one of those things where you can beat the odds. It is inevitable. Everybody dies. If you are lucky, you live long and full.

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Back in LA, I am busy – producing, maybe picking up a directing project, writing, still trying to learn the fucking guitar…finding a routine that will give me some structure and raise my productivity. And, I must get out and meet people. Been doing it. I want to do it. I am happy again. I am feeling adventurous, though a little tired from work. Also, I am coming to terms with all that I have missed due to my own bad choices.

I was out the other night, locally, and I caught some, not uncommon, Venice Beach dynamics among a crowd of older, long time residents – competition, little control and fragile self esteem stuff… I thought, you know, it is not my job to judge this. It is my job to sit here and love. Then, it is funny how your vision expands. I felt more heart and less ego. I saw myself in this woman who was much older than me:  Needing a certain kind of attention even when giving support; insecurity; wanting others to see the light inside and draw it out, instead of simply believing in it and offering…I let a lot of that go back in my mid 30s, but not in every aspect of my life…

When I used to be an actor, because of constantly auditioning, you get in a mentality of always trying to make the most of short windows of opportunity. There is a lot of work and sweat that leads to three minutes in front of some people who, by slim odds, might give you a job. Then it is over and you rarely hear a thing. And you get into this kind of  ”PICK ME” mentality, instead of driving choices for yourself. Doing theatre, it can be the same thing – short intense build up to a show that lasts two months or so. Stapled, safety pinned and glue gunned together, it only has to look good enough for stage, and if you’re lucky, manages to be entertaining.

These patterns are not how you build a life. Because of my impatience and need to prove I am smart, I have burned more than one bridge that may have led to a career opportunity. In the past several years, I find I rush things emotionally with men. I think that’s why I have had a lot of interactions with men who push things sexually – aging players or guys who need sex as some kind of validation. You get these extremes. They want to steam roll over me, so I blow them up. I have to be done with that. Too fucking old. I see now, how it’s usually not about one night or a magic moment like in the movies. It happens with work, friendship and mutual investment.

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I can’t start all the way over. There’s no need really. I have picked a decent plot of land on which to build. The foundation is level and well poured. I’ve got good materials. It’s a little overwhelming at my age, but I have got to find the patience, focus and energy to construct a solid, comfortable house that will last into the long term future. Maybe it will take more time than I would like, but what I cannot afford is for my life to fall apart again, because it’s all shortcuts and slapped together.

Brick by brick as they say…I’ve got my truth. Now, I want the work.

Serving Breath

I stopped by the Talking Stick on Friday night to show my love for their Venice MoZaic series hosted by the lovely Audrey. I had a cappuccino and enjoyed one of the bands for about a half hour or so. Getting a little hungry, I decided I would head to Santino’s for a bite and check out Fabiano, one of their regular guitarists.

On my way out, I ran into a man from South America, a musician, who had been in this country for some years. He followed me to my car and asked if he could play my guitar. When he saw my standard factory Fender acoustic, he noted that he actually played Spanish Guitar, but he could still play mine. He did, beautifully, and he sang right on the street – to me and the night. I always love when Elizabeth is handled by a real musician. It makes me feel less guilty.

Then we kept talking, mostly about his personal life, which I will not get into, but to say it was heartbreaking and fascinating. In the beginning of the conversation, he revealed he was writing a book on economics. Then he went on to say that he found musicians in the United States were different than other countries in that, they were so absorbed in the music or the lifestyle of the musician, it was all there was, all they had. In other countries, he said, musicians develop their intellects and are more socially active and engaged outside of their own world.

Now, to be fair,  I do not think he meant the ENTIRETY of American musicians. He seemed as though he had been based in LA most of the time he’d lived here and, probably, specifically, Venice Beach. But from my observations of the local scene and certain aspects of the biz at large, I had to agree with him. I also thought, yeah, and they smoke too much pot and spend way too much time watching YouTube…

He went on to say that he did not know how he could continue to grow as a musician, for his composition to mature and his life to move forward, if he did not develop his intellect and spiritual life along with his musical skills. Again, I concurred. I had seen what extremely out of balance lives could do to brilliant musicians, how it negatively impacted their music and the people around them. And that goes for others, too…

I was reminded of my Chicago actor days. I fell in to being a legal secretary to support myself until the BIG DREAM came true. I got lucky and ended up with a boss who loved me and was very flexible with my actor life. I got pretty emotionally involved with the office where I worked. I also adored the partner whose office was next to my boss, and three out of four secretaries who sat next to my cubicle over the years.

Kind of a Polly Anna on crack, I was probably too involved, but I looked hard at the lives of the people around me and did my best to be, not just a good worker, but a positive influence. After all, 40 hours a week is a lot of time to simply not participate in being human. I often got angry with Chicago plays set in offices because I thought the characterizations of corporate life were incredibly thin.

Along those lines, I had a conversation with a young actor at a party once. We both revealed that office work was the primary way we ate. I mentioned that I loved the people I worked with. To which he replied, “Oh! I know what you mean.”

“What do I mean?” Since I thought it was a pretty straightforward statement, I wondered at how he had interpreted it.

“You mean you love what you observe and learn about character. You love what you can use, what you get out of those people.”

“No…Uh…I really love the people I work with.”

“Wow! You mean you actually like those people!?!”

And I thought, how can you be a good actor if you are standing back, never engaging in life, so that you are always recreating a false experience? How can you be a good actor if you are always judging the very people it is your job to portray? What kind of artist puts himself above the audience? Why do so many seem to prefer worship over love?

We like fame in this country. When I was an actor, I dreamt of fame. In that field, it was the highest level of success. Not only that, it would validate my existence, all my life choices. When I did not achieve much worldly success as an actor, my sense of self worth suffered, but it did not completely tank. Though I may have neglected certain parts of my life for my art, I never hid in it. I never ran away from my responsibilities and the messes I had made. I never saw my work as a justification to use outsiders as food or to perpetuate some narrow minded master plan against my enemies.

When I am at my happiest as a writer and performer, it is when I know that I have chosen a life of service. When I am in balance in that life, I am at peace and I always have everything I need. That’s a good life. And like any good life, it starts with love, it starts with truth. Breath first, then creation…So simple, why do we so easily forget?

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Cosmic Mama Don’t Dance

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I met a guy on Santa Monica Pier last week. I was there for the Twilight Dance Series, my first time back in a couple of years. The Gumbo Brothers, local to Venice, were rocking the crowd. Later, a pretty cool funk band, out of New York, would take the stage.

As this guy (cute, like a young John Ritter) and I were chatting and shaking our things, he asked if I ever hung out in Venice Beach. He told me that he lived near the Sidewalk Cafe.

“I go to Acoustic Thursdays at Santino’s sometimes.”

“That’s near Windward Circle,” he was honing in on the area.

“Yep. On Pacific.”

“Isn’t that where a bunch of elitist musicians play weird shit for themselves?”

My heart fell a little. Not really, was my thought, I had heard some cool jams there, along with several young guitarists and singers finding their way. Though I had to concede, sometimes, there seemed to be an exclusive vibe that I didn’t much care for.

When our conversation lulled, my body loosened into some high revved, tearing it up sax playing. After observing that he thought I was a great dancer, my clever new friend (who had purported to be an art thief and took some pleasure in lightly making fun of folks), snarkily asked why rich, middle-aged, white people all danced like idiots – referring to some pale, affluent citizens of Santa Monica who were getting their salt and pepper grooves on.

“At least they dance,” I said. “Ever notice in Venice, how no one dances? Isn’t that a little weird for a bunch of Bohemians who are into the 60s?” A generalization, of course, but there is a noticeable dearth of boogie.

The Art Thief started to protest, then thought about it, playing the Boardwalk scene in his mind with its endless string of musicians, perpetually performing to walking and standing throngs: “You’re right. That is weird.”

“Go to a concert festival along Venice Beach and, if anyone is dancing, it is a lone homeless person or a couple of serious drug addicts.”

He considered further, “I never thought about it. Why is it like that?”

I could’ve said a lot of things, but I didn’t. I know, first hand, that Cosmic Mamas get eaten alive if they show their love. Probably the same deal for the few Pure Papas who remain. Art meets Thug means Street Cred trumps Music. Hustlers don’t like joy because it is harder to steal from Happy People.

So, they don’t dance on Venice Beach. Go figure…

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Smiling Copper Dragonfly

From putting Bogey, the Big Dog, inside the house, a tired and foul mooded Dog Mama turned into a world where fairies do exist.

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Feisty

A man called her feisty.

He said he liked feisty women.

It was a compliment, so it was ok.

 

She had stopped being offended by feisty,

And other so-called compliments like

Fiery, spunky, plucky, spirited…

That some chose to say.

 

Life is too short for excuses to hate men.

Besides, they are harder to fuck that way.

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Conversations with Indiana Musicians

When I visited the Midwest a couple of weeks ago, me and the family took a little trip within a trip. My parents live in Illinois on the Indiana border. My father rented an SUV and me, him, Mom, Brother and his Gal, and a Dog all headed to Southern Indiana. We went to a couple of beautiful state parks, including Clifty Falls; visited the Thomas Family Winery in historic Madison along the Ohio River; and, stayed at a really cool, super dog friendly hotel in Columbus.

Down in Nashville, Indiana – a quaint and groovy little tourist town – we hung out at a Microbrewery. (There was an unfortunate incident with Bubby, our Boxer, but I won’t get into that). They had live music on the patio, a singer/guitarist was featured.

“Who’s he sound like?” Dad leaned over to play his Betcha Don’t Know Game.

“Neil Young.” Of course I knew. Who the hell else sounds like Neil Young?

When the musician went on break, I chatted with the lanky, around fifty, slightly built, nerdy redneck with a buzz cut, wearing old jeans and thick glasses. “That was great! Do you play here all the time?”

“Oh yeah,” he had one of those wonderful Southern Indiana accents that non-Midwesterners would mistake for Kentucky. “I play all over. In Columbus and all the bars.”

“And you work? You like it?”

“There’s work, sure, but it’s competitive. Guys pulling crazy shit…But I don’t do it for the money or the attention…”

“You do it because you have to.” I knew exactly how to end that sentence. I’d heard this all somewhere before.

“Yeah.”

My folks were getting ready to leave, so I said a quick farewell. As the family was heading back to the car, I lingered to look at the old timey buildings. From behind me, absent-mindedly uttered, “I need to smoke a bowl.” I turned. It was my Hillbilly Neil. “Oh man, what the hell am I saying?” he touched his hand to his forehead. He was right about that. It was still Indiana.

“Oh honey. I’m from Venice Beach. You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

A little bell dinged inside his head, “I grow it in mason jars and in with my potted plants.”

I smiled and considered following him. I think that is why he had uttered his intentions out loud. The happenstance tone was merely to make it seem accidental. You have to be careful with musicians. Very, very careful. They know all about striking chords.

“Gotta catch up with my Dad,” I waved and trotted to my family.

A couple days later, when we had returned from our trip within my trip, I had dinner in Terre Haute, Indiana at TGI Fridays with my childhood friend and her family. This is a very different part of Indiana. Not much tourist appeal to the stinky Wabash River, the Creosote plant and the place where they electrocuted Timothy McVeigh.

Regardless, dinner at the mall was wonderful. The company is all that counts. I had not seen my friend’s mother in twenty years. Her sister was so funny and delightful, I couldn’t get over it. I never remembered her that way, but then, I hadn’t seen her in three decades. What the hell had I known as a child?

My friend has two sons, one who is a wrestler and getting ready to enter college. I had been reading all about him on Facebook. The older one is a musician who plays nine instruments, including guitar, banjo and mandolin. I had not know this last fact, until that day.

I loved this young boy, a wonderful pale teddy bear, his shoulders thrust up to short red hair and sideburns, rolling his back into the accident baby’s “I’m sorry I’m here” posture – a held physicality I know all too well. He is married to his childhood sweetheart, the young woman he has been with since they were fourteen. He is an atheist, but not the angry kind. A gentle young man who pays close attention, he has to understand before he believes.

“So, do you play with a band?” I asked, wondering why someone like him would be in this part of the Midwest. As I had observed in Southern Indiana, around Brown County and IU, there is actually a decent music and art scene. But again, we were in Terre Haute…the “armpit of America” as Steve Martin once dubbed it.

“I had a band at school, in Florida. We recorded out in San Diego.”

“You don’t play with guys around here?”

“Well…” my new young friend lowered his eyes in genuine humility and softened his voice to match, “It’s hard to find guys around here who play at my level.”

“I bet.” Something about him made me trust, implicitly, his self assessment. I knew he was talented.

He went on to the second major issue, one not exclusive to geography, “And, then a lot of guys just want to sit around and smoke pot. So we don’t make any music.”

“I can see that.”

“Or…” and I should have seen this coming, but I forgot where I came from, “They just want to play Metal.” There was a little nausea in his throat.

“Of course they do.” I almost laughed, but the thought of this poor young man and his banjo and a Death Metal Cover Band in some forty year old guy’s mother’s garage…

I told him a few funny musician stories and quotes from guitarists I knew in San Francisco and LA. My young friend shared some secrets of the trade, confirming long held suspicions I had about his sort. So sweet, so open and so honest…I so enjoyed his youth.

“Get out West!” the last thing I said to anyone right before I left, my belly full of Jack Daniel’s salmon and fried cheese. Even if I am scared of how it will change him, I recognize a fish who was born into the wrong pond.

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Urban Nature IV: Getty Gardens on a Late Sunday Afternoon

White flooding hope licks crimson revelers held staunch by cool, uneven shadow, kindling goldenrod crystal passion…

Amber leaves bristle, ” Come hither” to a shy purple flower. She covers her mouth, coyly, with gossamer orchid fingers.

Ah, my old friend, Bee. I cannot resist them…Says something about me, I suppose, that Grandma was deathly allergic and and I am fascinated by these creatures of endless duty.

Prickly, green sea-foam pops red and violet mermaid whimsy. Emerging in schools to breathe sunbeams – on undetectable pitches (in twelve part harmony) – they sing.

Simple and sturdy, golden thread touches and the wonders of organic structure. Nature’s fingernail brushes on Creation.

Sweet Daisy. Open, free and easy…Left on my own, it is what I strive to be.

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White Devil and the Game of Dreams

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It was about ten years ago, in Chicago. I lived in this great apartment in Ravenswood with my best friend at the time. We had a walk-in pantry, dining room, sun room, corner spot, top floor…

Back then, I was an actor. I had a White Devil Agent, one who was notoriously evil among actors and whose public shenanigans were legendary. I call him the White Devil Agent because, in addition to being an agent, he was a White South African of British descent – the real mother fucking deal! (Though, I should note that the other two White South Africans of British descent, whom I know, are not devils, but amazing people. One (my mentor and acting yoda) did interracial theater – underground, with his actress wife – in Cape Town, at a time you could be secretly executed for doing so…)

My White Devil Agent, though he seemed to be against racism, had a raging sense of entitlement from which most of his bad behavior emanated. He could look you in the eye and tell the most amazing lies. He was charming and intelligent and so passionate about theater, especially Shakespeare. Ok, he was also bitter, petty and cruel, but not all the time – only when you were vulnerable…

Later, while killing time at an audition, I would share personal tales about this guy to a circle of fellow thespians, who all had their own White Devil Agent horror stories.  Upon finishing my turn, everyone was silent for a bit. Finally, one of them put his arm around me and said in a quiet, soothing tone as if I were an injured animal, “Wow, Peter had his own special kind of hell for you…” Yep, I had been special…

One particular day when I was still deep in hell with the White Devil – to whom I had foolishly given my dreams – I was in the kitchen, chopping. My roommate was at the stove. It was early. We were making frittatas.

My roommate was upset because I had received a strange card, the day before, from my White Devil Agent, following a spat where he had deliberately excluded me from post-class drinks. This was immediately after a session that my agent and teacher had led me through an emotional break down and had been oddly physical. White Devil Agent had feigned innocence when confronted, fawned endlessly about how he would never deliberately do such a thing to one of his most talented clients, and promised to make it up to me.

Soon, I received a card in the mail decorated by two intertwined golden hearts with a lovely, though ambiguously toned, handwritten note inside. Happy, but confused, I left it on the table and dashed to rehearsal. I had hoped making it up to me would mean an audition at Steppenwolf or the Goodman Theater; but oh well, as long as Peter cared…

When I returned, my 5′ 6″, 140 pound roomie was in a rage, waving the card he had found in my opened mail: “What is this, honey?!? What the hell is this?!? What? Is this asshole making inappropriate advances on his client or is he a mother fucking manipulative queen being all fussy over his diva?!?” My roommate was gay. My agent had been rumored to be bisexual. I had a crush that he liked to use against me when I caught him in professional lies. My roommate did not like it.

It came up again while making breakfast the next morning – the aforementioned frittatas. My roommate had worked himself into another little fury, probably because I had remained so passive. In a raggedy white T-shirt and his tri-colored, near knee-length sleeping shorts, my little buddy pounded his spatula against the skillet, “Honey, I know you do not play games, but other people do! Would you get that in your fucking head before somebody kills you!!?!!”

Nobody has killed me yet. But, sadly, I do finally realize that people play games. When people play games with your dreams, it is hard to extricate yourself, because you believe someone other than you holds your hopes in his or her hands. When you play games with your own dreams, you might as well throw them into the incinerator.

If you must give them away, hand your dreams to God. They do not always come back, but they do rest in peace.

After defining myself in a certain way for almost twenty years, I accepted that I am not an actor anymore. I accepted that, because it made me happy.

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Addiction

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I am addicted to swimming in the Pacific.

A perpetual wader, knee deep was as far as I once would go.

I float out now.

My feet cannot touch the sea floor.

At the mercy of rolling and crashing and saltwater up my nose,

Headfirst – thrust up and back – I completely surrender control.

Had I this addiction from arrival in Venice,

I might not have had sex with the wrong sort;

Like the the suicidal Indiana Catholic and the stress shattered Israeli SEAL;

Or, the divided and severed, monumentally insane, Argentinian guitarist.

Oceans hold more than weak men.

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No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee